I am happy that creativity tickled my frozen psyche right at this moment. It means that I am slowly breaking into my inner self and process what I am experiencing these days.

It has been weeks since I am trying to get hold of motivation – the one that I used to know, that kind where I feel I can do anything in all aspects of my life. For quiet some time, all I feel is exhaustion – from motherhood, from full-time work (whose future perspective is for quiet awhile absent), from home management, from all other obligations in my life. I have just been pushing and pushing – to accomplish things I need to do. I literally feel doing 3 shifts in a day – from being a mother to full time worker to mother to home manager.

Don’t get me wrong. I want it like that. I want to work full time and be a mom, a wife and at the same time pursue some of my creative passions like writing & photography. I know there are things I cannot do as a result – like having to be able to cook warm meals all the time or have a super orderly home. It is hard, this I know for sure. But when you are inspired, the hardship is bearable, knowing that is gives meaning and fulfilment at the end of each freakin hard & long day.

I have to admit that my struggles at the moment sprung from the fact that work is unstable. There is a restructure and my team is affected. Since that announcement almost a year ago, I have been just managing my emotions. I get depressed from time to time and add to that the hardships and the pressure of the other aspects of my life.

Maybe I have been pushing so hard, to just go on, managing one moment at a time the different pressures and obligations I have, to the point of unconsciously burying issues in my subconscious. I am actually pretty good with self processing and pretty self-aware but this one somehow escaped me until it “surfaced to earth” again, so to say.

But like any other overwhelming situation, I know that I have to break them down into chewable pieces and take things one day at a time. For now, I am happy that I painted which I have not done for a long time. I am happy that I was able to express myself through that. And that’s it for now.