Note: Back to the past – sometime in 2022, I wrote this entry below. Since it was saved as a draft for awhile and also after being in hiatus for some time, I decided to finally publish this now. Let me know after reading if you can relate or have a similar experience and also how you cope with this kind of struggles.
I remember almost a year after giving birth, also almost a year of my parental leave, I was so excited to go back to work. I told myself that I am not gonna just be a mom, I want to be a working mom, a full-time working mom to be exact. I also told people always, especially during job interviews, that I am not only a mom, I am also a career woman, I am a wife, I am an artist, I am many things because I believe I can. I was so excited that I even search a lot of videos in You Tube on home organization, meal preparation, etc.
Almost a year later, fast forward, the inspired, excited mom is overwhelmed. It felt like I am working 3 shifts in a day. At times, I would wake up at 5am to work, then tend to my kid at 7am, fed her breakfast and make her ready to go to daycare. Me and my husband would alternately schedule bringing her to the the daycare around 8am.
In other words, your mama is not only overwhelmed, but also burned out. My biggest trigger was the announcement at work that there was a restructure and that our team is closing. I was managing my depression brought about by the above-mentioned situation. And it has been a vicious cycle of I am ok, I can still manage, to not and to ok again, repeat.
A lot has changed to date, fast forward 2023. I finally landed a new job in a new company. I am still in the same field but completely doing something different. I felt that career wise, I was able to find my niche. This also makes me happier. I feel there is a good future to look forward to, if only I put an effort and show my best. Plus I get to travel from time to time for work. The wanderlust in me is ecstatic.
I still get overwhelmed nowadays – as full time working mom, wife and as a creative. We also do not have a childcare yet since we move in to our new apartment 5-7km away from my daughter’s old nursery. The situation actually, I would say, is more tiring now because we are not only working full-time, but we are all having a home office plus a kindergarten. Not to mentioned, the housework. But I am more aware now. I am more conscious now.
Thanks to my depression – burned out situation in the past, I get to developed a sense of early warning inner device for myself. I know now consciously that if I go more towards a certain direction in my daily activities, it can reach to dangerous levels of exhaustion, anxiety, etc. That is why, if there are certain things not anymore doable because I am not full in all aspect of my being, I will leave it as, or I will park it for now. Like how I park for now my book project, and also how I was not active for awhile for this blog, etc. And it is ok! I prioritize first myself. The more I am enriched myself, the more I can give. I call this my inwards-outwards personal philosophy.
Everything is still a conscious process, of looking inward – to your most inner core, listening to that voice, taking the time to be in silence and be one with the self. Because only then can you be ready to face the outside world.
That is all for now, hope I am able to inspire you in my own little ways. Take care.
ArtsyFoxyMamaG 